RSS SUBSCRIPTIONRachael Starr’s eerily accurate & hilarious horoscopes for the week of February 1-7
Though many of us often feel as though we are lying in the gutter, we can be thankful that we can always look to Rachael Starr’s savant interpretations of the night sky to guide us through the life’s difficult, and sometimes mundane, decisions. Updated weekly, be sure to check in before emailing that old flame, buying stock in major American financial institutions or checking those self help audiobooks out of the library.
For the week of February 1-7…
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Annoy a co-worker by rearranging his/her desk or have another name put on the door. It will serve two purposes: first it will make you laugh due to the sheer hilarity, and also it will make you laugh to watch the veins in the other person’s neck stand out. This also works for an annoying neighbour if you change the yard decor in the middle of the night.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You may be looking for someone to join you on life’s journey, but really, no one wants to drive a Taurus. Nevertheless, you’re tired of what seems to be all talk and no action. It is time to get things done. Stop procrastinating–starting tomorrow.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
If you’re not willing to do the work to change your immediate environment, then don’t complain about the lack of change. You aren’t fooling anyone; they hear you saying one thing but see you doing another. If you can’t change your mind, then change the subject.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
There are many options available to you right now, so do some thinking before you jump into the pool. Do not mistake temptation for opportunity. You may find yourself in a strange situation this week, involving chocolate syrup, sequins and a karaoke machine.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
If someone seems disrespectful of your boundaries, perhaps it’s because you haven’t been clear about what they are. Don’t assume things will improve and don’t wait until you snap. Just calmly state your case. And if that doesn’t work, flip a table. No one crosses someone who flips a table.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Bless your heart for trying so hard, but sometimes ya gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. And since you’re looking to the lyrics of country songs for advice, try sleeping single in a double bed. To mix another metaphor, the fortune you seek may be in another cookie.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Last week may have been a difficult one, but now that you’ve got that out of the way, you can move on. Rest assured, this week ain’t gonna be a picnic either. You’ll be glad when it is finally over. Avoid everyone and only open the door to the person who will be delivering your Chinese food.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
You may be stressed out but everyone knows you always deliver, and you know you always deliver because everyone is counting on you. Don’t try to dumb it down, take the credit you deserve. Start planning a mid-winter retreat, even if it’s watching movies in your own bed.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
You should be trying to add more fun to your life. That doesn’t mean you should ignore what’s going on in your life, but don’t let yourself be ruled by it. Remember what it was like to play, and be playful and do it again: buy a colouring book and crayons, play board games with friends, go bowling–anything that makes you laugh. Heaven knows, you don’t do enough of that these days.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Sometimes you do too much for others. It could be time to put on the tiara and let others treat you as the royalty you are. Make sure it is a figurative tiara or you may get some stares when you go to the grocery store or the DMV.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
A road trip is in order, so make sure the car is in good shape and you’ve got your roadside emergency kit up to date. You’ve already done more than fill your share of obligations and commitments, so it’s time to make everything all about you. Book a massage–a tub and a rub is just what you need.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
There’s an expression that says, “be true to your teeth or they will be false to you”. If you haven’t been to the dentist for a while, you really need to make an appointment. It may be costly, but that’s nothing compared to what it could be if you let it wait any longer. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. You of all people should know that by now.